Things You Never Want to Hear Your Child Say

For the record, these are all real quotes. Some from my children, some not. Either way...well, you'll understand.

1) "I do not have my own room! I share it with all the video games...and they keep me awake all night...talking! (pause) And they're mean."

2) "Mom! Buy (insert brother's name here) his own razors or make him quit using mine! [much bickering ensues] He's using the razor I shave my face with on his...his...on his balls and shit!"

3) [child drops something he was bringing you, clasps hands quickly together, waits about half a second and says...] "It was the dog! You know he doesn't have any thumbs!"

4) "What would you say if I decided to take a job working for the mafia?"

5) "Hey Mom? How much money do you think I can make running an extortion business at school?"

6) [sound of crash and glass breaking outside window] "Uh Mom? (insert four year old sister's name here) stepped on the broken glass from the pitcher I just dropped...and I think I can see a piece of her toe."

7) [spoken to the daycare provider as you are walking in the door] "Hi! What's for lunch today? My mom's wearing a diaper because she's, uh, oh yeah, menslooating."

8) "Mom, can you have Dad bring home more condoms from work?"

9) [from a nine year old daughter] "Pretty soon I'll be ready for women sized bras."

and, 10) "Do you know Mary Jane?" ( two choices for an answer...both of them bad)

Ah, the joys of parenthood!