Say Hello to My Li'l Frien'

Calcium. Yes. Calcium. Calcium is my new little friend. Why? Because my tailbone is eroding. Yes, ladies and germs, my ass has environmental issues. Not only was it recently awarded it's own zip code, it now has erosion problems. Or, as my mother so eloquently put it, not only am I a pain in other people's asses, I now have a literal pain in my own ass. Duh! I thought that's what children and men were for. I was wrong.
I went to the doctor for this information. I've been having an issue with moderate pain in my tailbone area for the last several weeks. This makes sitting for any length of time almost impossible. However, I haven't fallen, been fallen on, lifted anything overly heavy, or been in any accidents. To me, that eliminates a broken tailbone. Ha ha! I was right! I also appear to have no other problems wiht my back, according to the doc, so from what he can tell, it's simply eroding. Why? Not enough calcium. Which floors me. I love cheese. I like yogurt. I eat veggies. The right kind. I even take a mulit-vitamin when I remember it. I do not drink milk. Nope. Makes me nauseous. Quickly. Especially in the mornings. I think that is a psychological hold-over from the acute morning sickness I had while being allergic to being pregnant with my two sons. (I had next-to-no morning sickness with the girl)
I'm supposed to carrya pillow with me to sit on at school since those desk chairs are not environmentally friendly to preventing ass erosion. Which makes me feel like an idiot. Personally, I figured there was enough padding in my ass to protect it. Wrong again. Of course, today being the middle of midterms, I rushed out the door and forgot to bring one. Figures.
I also had the strangest doctors I've ever met with. One was very much Asian descended and had the most unpronoucable name ever. He just told me to call him Dr. Gary. Fine. After looking over my ass, we moved on to my feet. I also have this weird dryness/athlete's foot type issue with my feet that's been going on for years. I'm sick of it. so he calls in his "boss doctor" as he called him. This guy takes one step into the room, glances at my feet, and says, "Yup, they're feet. All the toes are there. See ya!" And pretends to walk out. Okay, it was funny.
Now, I am extremely ticklish on my feet. While they were messing with my toes, I about kicked them both in the face twice. Does this deter them? No. In a few minutes, they whip out this green handled thing to scrape my feet with for samples so they can check to see what exactly is happening on my feet. Fine. Until I look at it. I ask them what the hell they plan on doing to me with an Exacto knife while I'm still awake. They laugh. I'm informed that "it's a scalpel, hello" and that they aren't going to carve on me, just scrape my nails and along my heels. Right! So the boss doc, makes me lay down then pins my ankles to the cot/bed thing so I can kick or jerk and cut myself. Cut myself? Um, I'm not the one with the scalpel, am I? I lived. No cuts. No kicking or jerking. A lot of squealing, lip-biting, and cot pounding went on. Wait. That doesn't sound right. I mean I was squealing and biting my lips from being tickled and pounding the cot with my fists to keep from jerking away. That's better.
At any rate, not only is my ass eroding. And not in a good way. But I also seem to have some sort of bizarre fungus or bacteria growing on and possibly in my feet. Great. Just great.

There's a fungus among us...and this time, it's me. And now, folks, I'm off to call the EPA to see if I can get some grant money or a study done or some kind of legislative act to prevent my ass from eroding any further. Hey, if those rich Texas oil-mongers can get money, I ought to be able to.