Being Behind Schedule

Okay, I'm lame and I know it. Partially due to our economic status and partially due to our strange familial schedules, my family is waaaay behind the times on most movies, books, and other pop culture events. A prime example would be our recent viewing and acquisition of Napoleon Dynamite. I had no desire to see it when I first heard of it. My kids did. But, we did not see it. I did, however, see the llama t-shirt in a Hot Topic shortly after the movie came out and had to call my friend Tina, just because I thought it was funny to wait for her to answer the phone and without so much as a 'hi' say, "Tina, you fat lard! Come get some dinner." This was not as funny then as it is now that I have actually seen the movie. Well, parts of it.

I'm not sure why, but several parts of this movie struck my funny bone. Maybe it's a sign of the stress from impending finals. Maybe it's a sign of my lunacy. Maybe it's a sign of an upcoming manic moment. No matter what, the llama part kills me. Namely because while I do not consider Tina to be a fat lard, she does vaguely resemble the llama. Tina has dark hair. Her neck is nowhere near as long, neither are her legs, nor does she have as many, but she is a bit on the wide side. And, although she'll kill me for putting this online, I can think of at least one use of her hair, similar to llamas.

Now, many moons ago, Tina, Willing Tilly Tushy, Pink, and myself were all bored. (Willing Tilly Tushy and Pink are guys by the way). We decided to end our boredom by playing Truth or Dare. Tina was being fawned over by both the guys, which was okay with me, but being the witchy woman that I am, when she finally had pushed the flirty touchy feely thing too far in front of me when my husband was out of state and I wasn't about to get any, and she was sitting on the floor in a swimsuit between Willing's legs on the floor. Bear in mind, she had just shaved her legs earlier that day. It was Willing's turn and he chose Dare. So, I dared him to pull three hairs from Tina's body...below the waist and above her ankles. Guess where they had to come from? Hehehehehe. Okay, so I'm evil. It took all four of us to pin her down long enough for Willing to pull the hairs. She ought to consider herself lucky I didn't specify to do it one hair at a time. To tie this in to the whole llama thing, while I have never pulled a hair out of a llama's body -- from anywhere -- I imagine the results would be the same: much kicking, yelling, and biting. The upside? Willing and Pink decided that the game had gotten much more entertaining and Tina learned to trim herself at an earlier age than a lot of women I know. Oh, and the hairs were put to good use on the next turn, when I believe Pink was dared by someone (I won't say who just not me) to put one into a new arrival's cigarette. Gross, I know, but he didn't really, we just had the guy convinced he did. The reaction was worth it.

Okay, so I think that's the end of this manic moment. For now. I need to go write my last will and testament. Tina's gonna read this and come kill me. If I never post again, eat chocolate and lemon in my honor (not at the same time) and have several margaritas to finish it off.

Spanky-isms

Everyone has a separate language among their friends. I don't care who you are. There are either certain phrases or messed up sentences or words or whatever that are just between the group of you, or two of you. Whatever. For example, my mother and my immediate family 'do' movie lines. As in, we quote movie lines to each other and work them into general conversation. This issuch fun for me, I decided to share. I got Grasshopper to start doing it. Twitch does it now too. And Spanky.

Of course, then there are the times when a certain word or phrase becomes a 'thing' for my friends and I. Like my friend Thompson. HE got me started on "ish". Now we 'ish' at each other all the time. Or he'll share with me about his cat-crap. (Don't ask)

However, the most fun often comes up when two friends are out together doing whatever and one of them fucks up a sentence or a word. Like Spanky is prone to do. Now, don't get me wrong. I fuck up sentences and words just as much as she does. It just isn't as funny.

So, here are a few Spanky-isms for you:

1) Loony Barn: this is apparently similar to a loony bin, but when Spanky goes there, she can play with all the animals...somewhat like visiting the State Fair's petting zoo.

2) "Open your armpit!" This command was actually issued to me by Spanky in a Wal*Mart. Spanky was being a very decent friend and buying me some things when I was broke (things like soap, shampoo) because the Non-recyclable Ex-hubby (aka Fuckwad) had decided to ditch us with no notice and no money. Spanky is a truly giving person, who would literally give you the shirt off your back if she thought you needed it. However, it seems that late night runs to the local Wal*Mart are not good for her vocabulary. Her hands were almost full and my hands already were, because we are not smart enough to get a cart at midnight, and she wants to hand me something. I think it was a soda, but I'm no longer sure. When I inform her my hands are full, she tries to tell me to open my arm out so she can stick it up under my arm until we get to the checkout. What came out instead was, "Open your armpit!" at which point we both became useless for the rest of the night.

These are just two of the examples I could provide, but if I do, I'm afraid no one would understand and that, by sharing, they would be less funny to me and Spanky. Who is, at this very moment that I am typing, waiting for me to click back onto Yahoo Messenger to tell her I'm done and this is posted. I'm just going to tell her the rabid deer ate the post. She'll understand.

Things You Never Want to Hear Your Child Say

For the record, these are all real quotes. Some from my children, some not. Either way...well, you'll understand.

1) "I do not have my own room! I share it with all the video games...and they keep me awake all night...talking! (pause) And they're mean."

2) "Mom! Buy (insert brother's name here) his own razors or make him quit using mine! [much bickering ensues] He's using the razor I shave my face with on his...his...on his balls and shit!"

3) [child drops something he was bringing you, clasps hands quickly together, waits about half a second and says...] "It was the dog! You know he doesn't have any thumbs!"

4) "What would you say if I decided to take a job working for the mafia?"

5) "Hey Mom? How much money do you think I can make running an extortion business at school?"

6) [sound of crash and glass breaking outside window] "Uh Mom? (insert four year old sister's name here) stepped on the broken glass from the pitcher I just dropped...and I think I can see a piece of her toe."

7) [spoken to the daycare provider as you are walking in the door] "Hi! What's for lunch today? My mom's wearing a diaper because she's, uh, oh yeah, menslooating."

8) "Mom, can you have Dad bring home more condoms from work?"

9) [from a nine year old daughter] "Pretty soon I'll be ready for women sized bras."

and, 10) "Do you know Mary Jane?" ( two choices for an answer...both of them bad)

Ah, the joys of parenthood!

Senioritis

This is my final semester as an undergraduate. I'm a senior! Yay! And it's only about 4 1/2 weeks until it's done. And, I have no motivation whatsoever. None. I'm a naturally lazy person, but I don't usually have to fight myself this much to get anything done. It's ridiculous. I know from talking to my fellow seniors that I'm not the only one, but god...I don't think I had it this bad in high school.

As you can see, instead of working on papers or other homework, I'm sitting on the Net, bitching about having senioritis. And it only gets worse from there. Arggh. Or, maybe I should put 'yawn'. Either way it comes to the same.

I'm just so sick of school. It's been fun and all, but I'm done now. Yup. Just done. And I know it's bad because I actually had to change seats today so that I didn't beat one of my instructors to death with my notebook today. She's jsut driving me nuts. The bad part? She's the head of the department of the graduate program I want to get into. Not only would it be bad karma for me to migrate her nose three inches to the left, but I doubt it would get me into the program. Of course, if she wasn't such an idiot, I'd probably be just fine sitting next to her. Maybe not. I've entertained similar thoughts about my other instructors off and on over this semester, too, so it can't be just her. Must be me. I have a hard time believing that all of my professors are morons even if we do live in Iowa.

Just Another Rant

First of all, I admit I'm a liberal. I do not consider myself to be a bleeding heart liberal. I am also a feminist. I am not a feminazi, though. However, I'm tired of so many people suffering from "ostrich syndrome". A wise person once said, there are none so blind as those who refuse to see. Whoever he/she was, it was a very correct statement.

I hate to point this out, but our country is falling apart and failing its citizens. I don't mean the war (though that's debatable), but just in general. Prices keep rising, wages don't. At least not enough to make much difference. Utility companies are monopolies (aren't there laws against that?). Housing is scarce, unfit, unregulated, and ungodly expensive. Benefits are becoming more stringent (some companies can fire you for smoking at you home), less available, and less worth it. A Bachelor's Degree is becoming more like an Associate's Degree every day, and a Master's Degree is getting close to that status, depending on the area. Our educational system is failing our children in significant ways, and our children are expected to know how to run the country within a few decades.

Also, I'm getting really irritated with people who don't have kids, have never had kids of their own, or only been step parents for brief periods of time thinking they make the best parents in the universe. For example, there is a young woman in one of my classes who just recently discovered she's pregnant. She's been in several of my classes, and while we're not buddies, we do get along and chat fairly frequently. She is married. Brava for her. I'm happy that they're happy with the coming baby and wish them well. However, over the past couple weeks (since she found out), we've had more than one heated discussion about children. Now, she's heard me bitch (off and on for two years) about being a mom. When we've worked together on projects, she's heard me yelling at my kids and cussing at them. She also knows that my family is the recipient of a few different assistance programs. I'm not proud of it, but I won't be ashamed of it either. At any rate, she's lately decided that she knows everything about being a mom. She's also told me prior to this that she thinks most people on any kind of assistance are just lazy, and basically worthless, if they've been on it for more than about six months. I'm not sure where she came up with the time limit, but whatever. I didn't hold it against her. What I do hold against her is that suddenly, she knows exactly how she'll react when her kid decides to fry her computer keyboard, 'forgets' to turn homework for two weeks straight, or throws a tantrum. She also apparently is no longer against applying for any kind of assistance she thinks her family might qualify for. To this end, she's been asking me where to apply for what and if there are any loopholes to use. When I questioned her on it, she basically told me that if everyone else could get it, she could too. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but that pissed me off. From what she's told me of their living situation, they might need some extra help, like WIC maybe or maybe insurance. However, as much as I realize how bad the economy is for the majority of people, I don't think it's right of her to complain about the programs she's now trying to take advantage of. Especially when she's asking me how long she can push things. I don't know. But I firmly believe that until you've actually been there, done that -- no one should think they're an expert on anything...parenting or assistance programs or otherwise.