RIP My Friend

I will miss you my friend.

For your faith: Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women,and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. For mine: I will remember you at Samhain & bless you then. I hope to see you in the Summerlands, my friend. Blessed Be.

One by One the Penguins Steal My Sanity: I Will Remember You

One by One the Penguins Steal My Sanity: I Will Remember You

I Will Remember You

For My Dear Friend:
     I want to say that I know how lucky and blessed I was to have had you in my life. Even for just a couple years, though I think it was far too short. I learned so much from you, my friend. I learned more about patience. For, as those of us who knew you well are aware, you could be the most obstinate man around when you wanted to be. A lesson I learned very early on in our relationship, when I feared we would never get along. I’m so glad that changed, or I would have missed out on so much.

I learned more about laughter and the power of being happy. It was a rare occasion that you couldn't make me laugh. I loved spending time with you; you were always so happy to see me for the shortest times and for the simplest things. From this I learned that it really is the simple things in life that matter and a smile really can make someone's day. I hope I did the same for you.

I think the most important thing I learned from you is that the love of friendship knows no age limits, notices no differences in abilities, and finds you in the places you might least expect it. I will never be able to hear polka music without thinking of you. I've never met anyone with such a passion and knowledge for something in my life.

 I will miss you trying to convince me that you're the boss or the president of the whole US of A because your computer told you so or that Lawrence Welk had told you so. Or that any favor, no matter how small, would cost me a million dollars. I'll miss hearing: "that's it...you're fired" even though I didn't work there anymore; "oh, write her a ticket...Wendy's a squirt"; or "call the Marshal...911, US Marshals...Wendy's picking on Emil". I will miss your laughter. I will miss our coffee and lunch dates. Our talks about Czech Days, old television shows, movies, your love of running when you were a boy. We talked about everything. Sometimes about nothing. But being together: on the bus, walking downtown, or just sitting around the house, was always the best part.

Earlier I said you could be obstinate. This is true. But you were also smart, funny, and sensitive. I've never seen someone so happy to be singing along to a song as you when you listened to your polka music. When you laughed, it encompassed your whole being, as laughter should. Your friendship was one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. I love you, my friend, and though I will miss you dearly, I will remember you with more fondness than tears. I think you would have wanted it that way, and after all, you’re the boss.

Tis the Season...for Changes

So one of my best friends is graduating from our college program in just a few days and moving back home to Iowa. I know I'm going to miss her dearly. And I got to thinking after our coffee, snack, salad time tonight about exactly how much. See, we've only known each other a couple years. And it's not like we do a lot of stuff together on a regular basis. But, we've shared some really strange classes, bolstered each other up, and learned to laugh with each other. She's one of the very few people I've met here in SD that I've truly connected with and made friends with. I don't really fit in with most of the other grad students for some reason. Maybe it's my personality or insanity. Maybe I'm arrogant because I did my undergrad at UI. I really don't know. Or maybe the other students are just so much younger than me that they don't really know how to adjust to me or approach me. My friend on the other hand, just takes me as I am. Plus, she's funny, talented, and totally random. All qualities I really appreciate in my friends. We recently started including another girl in our little group and I'm looking forward to getting to know her better, but it won't really be the same. Then, thinking about my friend leaving, I got to thinking about my other friends I've left behind. And the guilt set in. I don't talk to them as much as I'd like to. When I do, it seems like all I do is bitch and whine. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. And I worry that my friend who's moving will end up like my other friends: we'll stay in touch via Facebook, email, and such but not really stay in touch. And I'm not sure I like that idea. Oh, it's okay for the in-betweens. The time in between when we can chat on the phone or get together, but not what I want any of my friendships to rely on. So, now I'm working on trying to figure out how to change that. Not even Christmas yet, and I'm working on New Year's Resolutions already. Tis the season...for changes.

I'm Just Not Sure

     I'm not quite sure what my problem is today. Aside from being exhausted already from seeing all these allegedly adult college students walking around looking like morons, though stylish morons, wearing things not suited to winter weather in South Dakota. Where are these people's parents? I swear I just want to call them up and tell them not to be surprised when their student is hospitalized due to poor dressing habits. Twits. The lot of them.
   I'm also sick of the city and college officials who do not seem to remember from one year to the next how to maintain streets, sidewalks, parking lots, etc. in winter. Using a road grader instead of a plow makes no sense to me. Neither does only plowing 3/4 of a street or leaving one long pile in the middle of the parking lot between the rows of cars. And don't get me started on scooping sidewalks or using ice melt. Or lack thereof. Sea monkeys, I'm surrounded by sea monkeys.
    Really, I'm not sure if all that crap's the problem or if I'm just losing my mind because it's so close to the end of the semester. Or both. Maybe it's not any of that and is just my winning personality. See, this is why I am not active in politics. I have no patience, no tolerance for stupidity, and I'm running out of room in the small black box of souls I keep in my underwear drawer.

Blindness or Unobservant

It took a friend of mine, Jolls, to point out a strange gap in the middle of a building on campus today. It's weird. I would think the buildings had been separate at one time, but the gap only goes halfway down between them. There's what appears to be a walkway near the top connecting the two, and at the halfway point, the buildings are seamlessly one building as though it was one building all along. Jolls said she didn't notice the gap until today herself. Both of us walk past that building, and the gap, on a regular basis. Neither of us has noticed it before. From either side of the building. And it's not like the gap only shows on one side or is concealed by anything. Yes, on the one side, there is a tree, but it's not that tall of a tree. Plus, as you look into the gap, you can see daylight at the top and other end of the tunnel/gap/thing as well as recognize treetops on the other side of the building that you could see on that part of campus.

So, the reality is, I have been walking past this strange building gap for over a year. I don't think I'd have noticed it without Jolls, who has been walking past it for 5 years. Which begs the question, are we both blind or just that unobservant? Personally, I'm of the opinion that the gap is similar to Platform 9 3/4 from the Harry Potter series - it only shows up at certain times and to certain people. Apparently Jolls and I are among the special few to whom the building has chosen to display it's oddity. That has to be it. I mean, I can't truly speak for Jolls, but I certainly cannot be that unobservant and I'm fairly convinced I'm not blind. Now, where'd I put my glasses?

Back In the Saddle Again

So I see it's been, oh, a few years since I was on here. I have no excuse or reason. Just ran out of steam or something. Anyhow, I'm back. Yup. As Jim Carrey said in Liar Liar, "Here she comes to wreck the day!" Nah. I'll try not to. Even if it may seem to my Ph.D. classmates that I am.

Honestly, I'm not trying to drive people away, but I don't understand what happened. There are a few basic things I think some of my classmates have forgotten, seeing as how they are Ph.D. students and the rest of us are merely lowly M.A. students. Such as literary writing doesn't necessarily mean inaccessible writing. I'm sorry to inform you, but there's a reason people who write like Hemingway and Faulkner aren't being published much any more. Or at least being widely read any more except by academics. If you want to publish something for your enjoyment, that's one thing. If you're wanting to publish for reader enjoyment, that's a whole new arena. Maybe I'm wrong, but the academic writing just doesn't seem to pay as much or get as widely read and appreciated. My other hobby horse on this topic is separating speaker from author. It's not that hard of a concept, even for creative nonfiction. You don't have to write about yourself for it to be nonfiction. People do it all the time.

Okay. I'm done now. Gosh it feels great to be back.

Apparently I was Wrong

After months spent struggling and looking for a job, I finally get one, and now I'm getting calls and emails from places I applied at months ago. Whafuck? I go to the interviews simply because the jobs would pay more than the one I just got. Silly me, I had thought that if these places had wanted to interview me, they'd have asked me to when I applied. Guess I was wrong.

Back in November, I had the opportunity to be the Keynote Speaker at a conference for self-sufficiency coordinators. I did it, and it went over great. I was very proud of myself. However, I figured that was the end of my public speaking career. Until two days ago, when I receive a call from the lady who set me up to speak in November. I am now scheduled to speak again this coming March to an entirely different group. I'm excited, yes. Still, I had not planned on this coming up again. I figured that my next public speaking would be at the amateur night comedy thing. Nope, never made it to that yet. I thought I was going to become a famous comedienne, turns out I'm going to be a politician. Guess I was wrong again.

Due to a variety of circumstances, my eldest son and his soon to be wife (due in March with little Twinkerbell) will be moving out effective the first of February. I not only thought I was ready for this to happen, but thought that my mother would just blithely accept it when I told her about the impending nuptuals and relocation. I was wrong on both counts. The decision for them to move was made like 5 days ago. My mother was just informed last night. For the past three days, I've been alternating between panic attacks about my son and Twinkerbell and Cheeks surviving on their own and fits of depression over them leaving the nest. My mother had a mild (for her) fit and accused me of ...well basically being the 17 year old version of myself only projecting it onto my own son. Hmph.

I hate being wrong.

Things Found in Washing Machines &/Or Pants

The following items have been found in either washing machines (W) or pants (P) by either myself (m) or Grasshopper (g) or other friends (f):

1. a bullet (w, g) -- Since there are no guns in the house, Grasshopper assumes it was just found and pocketed because it's shiny...and dangerous. I agree with her that she probably doesn't really want to know.

2. a bagel (p, m) -- My middle child adores bagels. And cream cheese. And he often eats on the run to whatever and wherever, so I was not at all surprised to find most of a bagel left in one of his pants pockets the other day. I'm just glad it didn't make it through the wash first. Ish!

3. porn (m, w, p) -- with two teenage boys, this was also not a shock. For some reason, I can't get it through their thick skulls that while I do not care that they look at nekkid women in compromising positions or doing odd things with odd things, I definitely DO care about it being left about the house where I might have to look at it...or that their little sister might find it. The strange thing, the one I found in the washer was still in one piece and not at all damaged. Hmm. Weird.

4. cell phone (m, dryer) -- of course I didn't find it until AFTER it had been washed and dried. Yeah. Another thing my middle child blames on the ADD monster. It almost ended up on his tombstone. Damn those things are expensive.

5. Two full beer cans (f, w) -- She had no idea either. Must have been some party.

6. A cat (f, w) -- At least it hadn't been run yet. It was found when she went to put in a load of wash. 8 lives to go.

7. Assorted condiment packages (m, w & dryer) -- sugar becomes rock hard, creamer leaks, and if you can catch the ketchup and mustard in just the washer, you may be lucky enough to not have to rewash everything and hope the SHOUT works.

8. Crickets (m, w) -- ah, country living!

9. A fork (m, w) -- I have no idea. I blame the kids.

10. One toad, two caterpillars (wooly worm type), about four dozen pebbles, two fist sized rocks, one baseball, a pocketknife, a handful of bark, three pinecones, and a wide assortment of feathers (m, p) -- both my sons are collectors of miscellania. This grouping came out of one pair of my middle child's pants. The toad and caterpillars were still alive. Probably living off crickets and bark. The record for my eldest son? Enough pebbles to completely cover the bottom of my washing machine and at least three kleenex went through the wash. Gotta love my boys!

These are just the unusual things. My favorites include money and notes. The rule around here is: if it's left in your pants or pockets, it becomes public property. In other words, MINE. Which means I read the notes, keep the money, and otherwise violate their privacy. It's amazing how quickly they learn to empty their pockets every night.

ADD Monster

My son and I heard a funny on the radio the other day. We were listening to The Bob & Tom Show and a comedienne was talking aobut how she has ADD. Apparently, Bob is also ADD. Rather, as it was described on the show, he is a victim of ADD. My son and I thought this was hilarious, since my son also has ADD.
"That's it, Link...you're a victim of ADD!"
He laughed, but said, "Makes it sound like someone murdered me."

Of course, this led to further theories on being a victim of ADD. My son and I agree that putting it that way makes it sound like a contagious disease. You know, maybe some weird form of lycanthropy. Yup. My son was attacked by some ADD monster and the effects can only be seen during daylight hours. He thinks it sounds more like AIDS or rabies. Something he'll have to share with any girlfriends: "Sorry, dear, but no love-bites. I have ADD and I don't want you to catch it." Apologies to AIDS victims and rabid peoples everywhere, but it does sound terribly funny.

Hey, my twisted sense of humor is genetic. My children are cursed with it. Thank god and goddess. Without it, our lives would be far too dreary to handle.

Broken

I am broken. I reached this conclusion on Sunday. Now, I'm a realist, for the most part. I do have hopes that certain things can change, but recognize the unlikelihood of it. One thing though, that has to change is how my family operates.

I tried doing the whole "Donna Reed-Betty Crocker-Martha Stewart-June Cleaver" thing. Obviously, I am missing that gene. I do not know when I lost it. I'm not sure where I lost it. To be honest, I believe I was born without it. I can cook. Albeit, not like Julia Child. Not even like Emeril. (Bam!) I can clean. I will never be as much of a neatnik as my mother. I have to have my clutter. I do not do my cooking, cleaning, or motherly duties wearing dresses of any sort. I certainly do not wait on my husband to come home from work before making any disciplinary decisions. I am not the let's-bake-cookies-and-hold-block-parties kind of girl. I have very little talent for crafts. I can sew, but one shirt could take me four months to finish correctly. Those little tie-together fleece blankies? My absolute FAVE! But I do the other stuff.

I go to every school play, recital, program, meal, field trip, whatever. I'll forgo things for myself so my kids don't have to do without. I try to make meals or at least buy foods that everyone will eat. On their way out the door, my kids are all told I love them and to have a good day. The older ones nod or go "yeah" at me. My daughter will still hug and kiss me. I listen to long explanations about video games I'll never play, web-games I will never understand, and all the drama that goes on in high school and fourth grade. Which, in case anyone has forgotten, puts Hollywood goings-on to shame. I help with homework, feed the revolving masses of teenaged boys (a few girls drop in) with an hour's notice or less, and do the whole 'fat mom' consoling thing. (Never trust a skinny mom. They have no clue.)

I am relied on by everyone in this house for every little thing. Being a mom is the most thankless job in the world. I know this. However, I don't ask for much. I'm not asking for a perfect world. I don't expect my family to express gratitude on a daily basis. I'd settle for once a month. Hell, once a year would work. But as of Sunday, I realized that's not going to happen. And it hurts and it pisses me off. I'm tired of the daily struggle to get anyone to pitch in around the house even so far as to toss their own dirty clothes down to the basement so they can get washed, much less to take their own dirty dishes to the kitchen. I know I am significant to those who live here, simply because I do it all.

Sunday, all I wanted was to hang my outside Christmas lights since it was nice out and I didn't want to be out there doing it in 20 below zero weather. Nope. Didn't happen. Everyone ahd been warned about this job since Thursday. They all decided that video games, discussing their love lives, football, and eating were more important than helping me. Fine. It was the straw the broke the camel's back, as they say. So now I'm broken. And still no one seems to give a crap. I love my family. I'd be in horrible shape if I lost any one of them. But, I deserve at least a little bit of help and acknowledgement. Maybe every mom goes through this. I don't know. I just know that I'm finished with it. As shitty as that sounds, I simply cannot take any more. I don't need daily affirmations that I'm a good wife and mother. I don't expect the bickering and constant reminders to stop. But when my husband touches me in that 'special way' and all I can think is "oh great one more thing someone wants me to do", there's something wrong and there's too much being asked of me.

Noisy Apparel

I have never had clothes that made noise. At least not unless they were meant to. I've had shoes that squeaked on certain flooring. I even had a pair that squawked whenever I wore nylon socks. They squawked on the inside. I've had shirts that had some little sqeeker built into them for some joke or other, usually Halloween or maternity/motherhood shirts, but nothing else.

Apparently, I'm missing out. Grasshopper has a bra that squeaks. It's one of those miraculous underwires that don't poke you in the armpit all day long and actually feels comfortable. But it sometimes squeaks. Accdording to her, it will squeak whether she's wearing it or not. Not always, but occasionally. I asked her if she had a mouse in it. Since she is deathly afraid of all rodentia, I figured this was unlikely, but worth asking. She swears there is no mouse or other rodent in it. Huh. Weird. Of course, another friend of mine, swears she has a squeeky bra also, though I have not heard it.

Let's see. Another friend swears up and down that aside from the swooshing noise corduroys make, he has a pair of them (pants) that will kind of hiss at him whenever he sits on leather in them. I thought it was more likely the leather but he says it isn't. Plus, it will hiss if he sits on anything leather like. Including vinyl.

And my oldest son has one pair of pants with an exceptionally loud zipper. I'm not sure why it is louder than others, but it is. This I have heard myself. I mean, when I can hear this zipper in my living room downstairs when he's behind the closed bathroom door, it's loud. And it's not like it's some bizarrely huge zipper or made of some strange, noisy metal. It's an average looking zipper in a slightly odd pair of pants, called "tripps".

I don't get it. None of this. I just don't think it's normal for clothing to make unusual noises when it's obvious the items are not made to make noise. And I think I'm a bit jealous that all these people have unusually behaved clothing and I have the average, normally behaved clothing. I probably need help for this.

Nerves? What Nerves?

My nerves are shot. Truly gone. First of all, this find-a-decent-job-and-support-the-family thing isn't going so well. Frankly, it sucketh. I've only sent out about 120 copies of my resume and filled out nearly that in general applications. I've had one interview. I'm telling ya, this place has too many highly educated people. But, relocating is out of the question right now. Why? No money! Duh.

Secondly, my daughter, Goddess love her, wants to rescue and save all the little creatures of the world (except the creepy ones). To this end, she "rescued" an abandoned baby bunny the other day. Poor little thing. It just loved her, too. But, we didn't do something right or something because it died on us last night. Right in her hands. We both cried for hours. Even King Rat was emotional. Poor little guy.

Also, I got an email the other day from a classmate I haven't spoken to in almost a year. She and I had three classes together my third semester here and barely ran into each other since. However, I must have made an impression on her, because she has invited me to appear on stage doing my little comedy routine in not one, but two different venues. One is an open-mic night thing sponsored by one of the bars around here and the other is called No Shame Theater or some such. I'm still debating on whether to do it or not. As she explained it to me, I need to be prepared to give as short a routine as 5 minutes or as long as half an hour. Uh huh. Right! I consider myself funny, but I also tend to piss people off and swear...a lot. I know sailors who have cleaner vocabularies. The real problem? A long time ago, Wendy was over with some friends to my place. We were all inebriated...well, plowed to the ground...and I did this amazing routine standing my my entertainment center. We all ached the next day from laughing, but for some reason, none of us could remember much of the monologue. The bits we have recalled do not add up to half an hour, and most of it is so disjointed, I'm not sure I could have a functional 5 minute set, much less one that would get laughs. I don't know. I"m not sure if I'm brave enough to do this shit. Being funny with my friends is one thing, being funny in front of a crowded bar full of strangers? Ish. Tho, I still berate myself for even considering not going because how will I ever know if I don't try? Grr. Snarl, hiss, and growl. What a mess. My friend keeps telling me that I've shown more nerve than most people she knows already just by what I've done so far with my life, and that all this takes is nerves. Yeah. Easy for her to say.

Doom on Me

For writing two posts in one day, to begin with. The rest of this...well, you'll see.

A lot of my friends like to compliment me on my inner strength. I appreciate it. I can see why they believe that. Sometimes, I even believe it. However, even Superman has weak spots. In an attempt at cyber honesty (ha ha), I'm going to share some of my unreasonable fears.

1) Flying. Wendy and others are privy to this information already, but I am deathly afraid of flying. If I had been meant to fly, I'd have wings. Guess what? So far as I know, none have sprouted recently, so on the ground I stay.

2) Sharks. Bear in mind I have never seen the ocean. The closest I've ever been to a shark were ones at the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, NE in this aquarium thing. And they were awesome to behold. But there was also this sign that read, "Be quiet, please. The sharks can hear you." Uh huh. I don't think even the dead were as quiet as I was walking through that tunnel watching the sharks appear out of the depths right next to me with only glass between me and them. Yes, I managed not to shriek, but it was a close thing. As for the ocean, I would love to visit. Swim with dolphins? Anytime. Manatees? Sure. Even sting rays. Yes, even after poor Steve Irwin's tragedy. I've even eaten shark once. It was quite tasty. Very tender. It was years ago. I can even watch Discovery channel shit on sharks and be fascinated. Nature and all it's creatures are sights to be held in awe. Besides, I love trivia stuff I learn. All seemingly normal right? Wrong. See, I was "forced" to watch Jaws shortly after it first came out in the 70's. I think I was 5 or 6. I wouldn't take a bath for weeks afterward. I still don't like adding that blue colored shit to my baths. And I hate swimming in rivers and lakes. Yes, because I'm afraid of sharks. Swimming pools are okay. Natural bodies of water, no. And all these victims of shark attacks? I feel for them and their families, I do. But I also agree with Carlos Mencia: if you're swimming in the ocean and get eaten by a shark, you have no right to be surprised, after all you are swimming in their kitchen. Look at the ocean? Love to. Swim in it? Probably never. I don't want to end up on the menu.

3) Chickens. I hate chickens. The only good chicken is one that is dead, plucked, and cooked or in my deep freeze waiting to be cooked. They're ugly, they're noisy, and they're vicious. And, they don't die quickly enough. Any animal that can still run around the yard for five minutes after losing its head is not right. It's borderline demonic and it frightens me. Chickens frighten me. I would rather pick up a snake, and I'm not fond of reptiles. Lizards are okay though. Turtles. No chickens. I like to eat chicken. KFC is a favorite of mine, especially since I couldn't fry a chicken to save my life, but live chickens? Nope. They're evil and should be treated as such.

4) Grasshoppers. Again, they're ugly. They can jump really long distances and they can fly. They also spit. They have these little claw like things on their feet. They live all around my house which makes mowing the lawn very entertaining for my family members when it's my turn to mow. We are also infested with praying mantises (manti?) but they don't bother me much. I'm sure the two critters are related somehow, but the mantis has an interesting habit of eating her mate. Therefore, at least the female mantis has redeeming qualities. Grasshoppers, so far as I can discern have none. They exist merely to terrify me. I have no idea why they scare me so much, but they do. At least chicken has nutritional value. And, no, I do not want to hear how full of protein grasshoppers are. Chicken is protein, too.

5) The dark. Yes, I am afraid of the dark. I have horrid dreams if I sleep completely in the dark. I sleep with my tv on and the light above the sink in the bathroom on. This is especially helpful since the bath is right across from my bedroom. It drives my husband crazy. He needs dark and quiet. Aside from the fan running, of course. Not me. Going through a dark room gives me heart palpitations. Being outside at night is okay so long as the moon is out or I have a dozen flashlights. Even in my own yard, when I go out at night for anything, I turn on the porch light and take a flashlight.

6) Basements. Basements are creepy. I've been in a few that were nicely finished and did not creep me out. Mostly though, a basement is a basement. I don't like them. Our only shower is in our basement. So are the washer and dryer hook-ups. Ish. I don't like going into the basement in general. But our tap water is so awful, I refuse to take tub baths here. And, sometimes I need clean clothes. Yeah. I can handle doing the laundry during the day. Mainly cause I'll talk to a friend on the phone the whole time. At night, I hate going down there. It's well lit. Just extremely creepy. So, I either shower during the day as quickly as possible and with someone home or I take someone into the shower with me. Right now, it's either my husband or my daughter. She's almost 10, yes, but this shower is next to impossible to operate without either freezing your tata's off or boiling yourself. Plus, she simply hasn't gotten the knack of washing all the soap out of her hair yet. So, it's a win win situation. She gets help washing her hair, we have lots of girl talk (mostly about when she'll get boobs), and I have company in the creepy basement shower. And before anyone goes having a fit: we're both girls, I'm not molesting her, she's not molesting me, and I believe nudity between members of the same sex in the family is no big deal. It's not like she's showering with King Rat or her teenage brothers. So, no morality commentary.

Okay. That's about it. Those are my major weaknesses. Well, besides chocolate and Sean Connery.

I Don't Remember This Being Part of the Wedding Vows

Man, oh, man. Has King Rat done it this time. I love him, I do. But he's out on a medical leave with a fuckered up knee...and has been since August 5th. Keep this factoid in the back of your head for the rest of this post. Trust me, it's great perspective.

I can hear his knee crunch and grind when he's just moving his leg around next to me on the couch. This tells me, along with the profuse swelling whenever he walks or stands for longer than fifteen minutes, that something is definitely not right. I wish I could fix it, but that's what the orthopedic's dude is for later this month.

At any rate, knowing his knee is not in great shape, what does my wonderful husband decide to do this past Saturday? Jump off of our porch roof and onto the trampoline. He says "It looked like fun." Uh huh. He also says, "Well, the boy lived through it." Again...uh huh. "The boy" happens to be our 15 year old son. Who, at least got a small bounce out of the trampoline when he did it. King Rat, did not bounce. Not even a smidgen. Nope. He hit it, collapsed, and began rolling back and forth on the mat groaning, "That was stupid...that was stupid." I agree.

On top of it, he refused to go to the doctor until Monday. Yup. I had to take him to the ER, where he planned on lying and telling them he fell off the roof. I did not let him lie. The doc there was quite impressed with him, actually. Apparently, broken ribs do not generally show up well on X-rays. My husband's did...nice clean break. The rib he broke also lies over the area of his spleen, so they had to do a CT scan to make sure he hadn't lacerated, biffed, or otherwise injured it. He hadn't, thank goodness. But, the ER called shortly after we left to tell us they did notice a small spot on his liver. Whafuck? They also said to just have his regular doctor follow up on it, along with the rib injury, within the next few days. Fine. We go tomorrow to get this followed up on.

Am I worried? Some. But I'm not panicking. What I am trying to do, however, is figure out how much sympathy he really garners from this. I mean, he's in an awful lot of pain. He spends most of his time in bed because sitting up makes his ribs hurt terribly. And there's only so much one can do while lying in bed with a bad knee and a broken rib. But, aside from his knee, the pain he's in is his own fault. I tried to convince him that jumping off the roof was not a good idea. Of course, silly me, I was thinking more along the lines of him completely trashing his knee, not of him breaking a rib and injuring internal organs. All I know is, I don't remember anything in the marriage vows (either time) requiring me to provide sympathy for stupidity.

Here's My Little Twinkerbell! (just Twinker, if it turns up a boy)

Okay, so the pics aren't that great, but aside from my own kids' ultrasound pics, these have to be the most adorable baby pics ever!

And who's supposed to be having pregnancy mood swings?

Okay. Cheeks is the pregnant one. She's the one who should be having mood swings. Which she does. Believe me, she does. They aren't the hell on earth ones, yet. Those come later if I remember right. The point though is, I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!

Yes, that was excitement. See, now there are pictures of the baby. Only ultrasound pics, true, but the little bugger is too cute! Zombiedude has given his child the unfortunate nickname of Nougat McFroggy. This is apparently soley based on the fact that in one of the ultrasound pics, the baby's butt and legs are all you can see...and the legs do look a bit like splayed out frog's legs. It's till an unfortunate nickname. I hope my son comes up with a better one before the child is born. I'm still trying to come up with one. Grandmas get to pick cutsie little nicknames that stick around.

Cheeks and I also think the baby is a girl. Zombiedude and Cheeks' mom think it's a boy. My mother says she already knows...that it's a baby. Smart ass. I hope it's a girl for two reasons: 1) it's my first grandchild, and 2) Cheeks has decided on a girl's name and it's one I gave to her. I am revealing no names until we know for fact what sex the baby is though. I'm afraid to jinx it.

At any rate, yes, I've swung from not knowing whether to be happy or not to full on granny bragging. The little honey waving her arms at me from the ultrasound melted my little heart, what else can I say? Besides, I can either be happy about it or waste time and energy being pissy about it. I think the way I've chosen is the better start to the grandma-granddaughter relationship.

So, here's to sharing baby's first pics with the cyber world!

Birth Control

Okay, so I'm used to the idea now that Cheeks and Zombiedude are going to be parents. I'm still weighing whether or not to like it. Several people have asked me about the apparent lack of birth control in some form or another. I am 95 % certain that it was actually being used. I try not to be in the same room at such times, so there is some room for error on my part. I do know that Cheeks was using the Nuva Ring. Which obviously failed. Another obvious failure is telling them that no method is 100% effective except not having sex. Silly me. At any rate, since all this began (again) I did some research into birth control. Just out of curiosity. I mean, I haven't had to use birth control for that purpose since 1997. And, I simply cannot believe how many different kinds there are now! It used to be condoms and the Pill. Then diaphrams. Sponges. Assorted creams, foams, and gels. Then that Norplant thing. Which I tried. I gained a ton and got so sick, they took it out two months later. I don't trust diaphrams. They look more like a trampoline for sperm than anything else. I know it's supposed to be a barrier, but I get the idea it's more like running your kid ragged at an amusement park...you do it because it's fun, but you also hope that by the end, she's so tired that she falls asleep before you even get home. A diaphram seems to operate on the same principle in my opinion: a very small trampoline put in the way of the traveling spermies. Not only do you hope they get distracted enough by it that they never make it 'home', but you pray that if they do head in the right direction, they're so tired from the trampoline that they wear out before they get there. Sorry. I just doubt the entire objective. For starters, I've seen my ADD child after playing on our trampline. Guess what? He's far from tired when he's done! Same thing.

Then there's the female condom. I've only seen one once. People, these things come with an instruction book thicker than my stereo system had. They're also huge! And that little stick thing? Hmph. Plus, from the instructions, you need to be far more flexible than I've been since grade school to use one. I like the concept of them. I do. And one woman I know who has used them, says they're fairly comfortable and easy to use once you have practiced a couple times. I guess this is why I keep getting told not to judge things by how they look. I'm just glad I don't need them.

And the Pill? It certainly isn't the same as the ones my mother saw come into existence. Or the ones I used. Now there's like 100 different kinds? Whafuck? Ones that help with acne, ones that help with PMS. Wow. Ones you only have to take once a week or something. I tell ya, if I was still having those messy, once a month deals, I'd be all over some of these pills. Not only do they prevent pregnancy, but they have cool fringe benefits...such as no period for three months. Works for me.

And then there's this Nuva Ring. For anyone who hasn't seen one of these things, they look a lot like a larger version, slightly lumpy, of those jelly bracelets girls used to wear. They're clearish and look about as much like birth control as a cupcake. The icing on this cupcake? You have to store them in the fridge! Yes. They must be kept cold up to the point of insertion. Again, I don't need to use these things, but from what Cheeks and a few others have told me, that chill factor lasts about a half an hour. And is fairly unpleasant. Not excruciating, but still unpleasant. I believe them.

Oh, and IUD's. These have apparently been revamped and are less hazardous to your health than the ones around in the last few decades. I'm glad. Those old model IUD's were something beyond painful from the stories I've read, not to mention worthless. I just still have an issue with allowing a doctor to insert a metal object into my uterus. Besides, as high tech as we're getting in security measures, I'd be afraid of setting off metal detectors everywhere I went. I'm sure that doesn't happen, but the idea it could would bother me. Does bother me.

There are even a variety of natural birth controls out there. Aside from the rhythm method or keeping track of fertile times. It seems there is an entire market of herbal contraception. Of course, these are not evaluated or monitored by the FDA, but many of them boast a 100% effectiveness rating. Right. I'm all for herbal remedies and such. And I have no doubt that our forebears used plants in ways we would never dream of and to great effectiveness in many different things. I just worry that most of these herbal contraceptives are a bunch of dried grass with no value or worse, harmful side effects. When the FDA and drug companies and such perform studies and begin to turn to nature for remedies and give them the 'ok', then I'll worry less.

I don't know. There's no guarantees on any birth control, aside from abstinence, but there's so many rumors, myths, and utter crap out there I'm surprised the birth rate isn't higher than it is. I'm also very glad I don't need to worry about it any more. For starters, refrigerating my birth control and then putting it inside my body? No thanks. I'd rather take a pill.

Manic Briefs

For those in the know:

We are still living in the same place. Still have internet. No long distance, but whatever. All is well. NO further worries on that front.

For all others:

Cheeks is pregnant again! This one seems to be taking. Not sure if that's a good thing or not yet. They heard the heartbeat today. Ultrasound tomorrow to be sure everythingis cool. Also, her mother and her have both been dreaming she's having twins. They run in the family on my son's side, so it's possible, I guess. More later.

I'm presenting to a conference in November. Due to a variety of circumstances, my Self-sufficiency worker thinks I'm a great person to present on the barriers presented to self-sufficiency via bipolar disorder. I'm looking forward to it very much. I think it's a fine time to show people in the social work business exactly what can happen, and sometimes does, to prevent people from becoming "upstanding citizens" and "productive" adults.

The slug-bug game is still going on. I'm still behind. I'm still enjoying this trip back through my childhood.

School (for my kids) starts here on Monday! Hurray! I love my kids with all my heart. Really. I admit there are days, more and more of them lately, where I just want to love their little heads right off their bodies, but since school resumes Monday, I'm sure that will end shortly. In fact, they're looking forward to it too, for a change. Too much time together over the summer, I'm sure. That and utter boredom since I refuse to rent or purchase any new video games until they start doing their chores without being reminded four hundred thousand times.

I've also started a petition that will hopefully gather several thousand signatures and then be sent on to every member of our US Congress. Basically, I believe there needs to be a law, not some avoidable policy (or lack of any policy) that requires employers of any person (male or female) who is having their wages garnished by any child support collection agency to notify said agency within 7 days if the garnishee (or obligor) stops working. Too many times I have experienced a horrible wait trying to figure out if child suppport is just late or has stopped. And I'm not alone. Yet, too many states do not have a law enforcing this kind of notification. I'm not asking for any privacy to be violated. Simply faxing or calling the agency and stating, "My name is _____. I work for ______. We have been sending child support payments to your agency for (insert obligor's name here) under case number (if available). I'm calling to report that this person no longer works for this company and we will no longer be sending support payments. So and so's last paycheck will be processed or has been processed as of (provide date), and that will be or is the final support payment that will be sent by our company." Finished. How hard was that? There is no need to go into any further detail. Oh, it'd be nice if the company knew where the person is now employed or if they are employed at all and would pass that info along, but not absolutely needed. Same thing if the person is deceased. Pass it along if you know and desire to, but it is not a requirement. Things like that can be found in other ways. With thousands of deadbeat parents out there being blamed for everything from a child's behavior to a child's lack of shoes for gym, there should be no more delay than 7 days in finding out a parent is no longer employed with any given company. Not when a 3 minute phone conversation can handle it. Will this make parents pay their child support? No. But it helps the parent and the agency collecting the support to catch up with those who are supposed to be paying. As for enforcing such a law, if it's possible to fine a business for providing hazardous things to minors (cigarettes, booze, etc) then why shouldn't it be possible to fine them for NOT doing their best to help a minor in this small way?

Cheeks and my eldest son are on Grasshopper's endangered species list. Grasshopper has had three boys. She loves them very much. But she desperately wants a little girl. To this end, she has threatened that if my granchild is a girl (much less twin girls) to come and make them both extinct. At first she only threatened Cheeks. Once I pointed out that the male decides the baby's sex, she added my son to the list, citing that while his sperm give the sex to the child, Cheeks would still get all the joy of the daughter. Good point, I guess. I'd remind Grasshopper that she and Twitch could try again for a girl, but that would put ME on the endangered species list as well. Not my idea of a good time.

That's all for now. More briefs as they occur.

VW Beetles

Herbies. Love bugs. Bugs. And, the all-time favorite...SLUG BUGS! Oh man, gotta love a slug bug! And suddenly, there are a plethora of them in Iowa City. Now, maybe it's just me lapsing into my childhood in a time of extreme stress, but I have recently been enjoying a near daily game of slug bug...no returns with my daughter and my soon to be daughter in law. It began just between me and Cheeks. My daughter honestly couldn't understand why we kept punching each other and yelling colors at each other. I tried being my usual sarcastic self and told her that we really hated each other and were disguising our fights with a pretend game. This backfired immediately with her trying to run interference between the two of us. So, I explained the game to her...in great detail. Apparently, I managed to NOT teach her this game years ago and neither did her brothers. I'm terribly remiss in my maternal duties, obviously. At any rate, now she's a whiz at spotting the damn things. My arm has had several bruises from her reaching between the seats and whacking me, and I believe the constant ringing in my ears is due to her shrill shrieking of "Slug Bug (fill in the color here)...no returns!" about two inches behind my head. Since I'm the driver, I'm allowed to not have to touch the others for it, just be the first to spit out the damn line with the correct color of bug. So far, I think I'm behind about 20 slug bugs to my own child and about 8 to Cheeks.

Which brings me to my next point. After one spotting of such a bug and actually being the first to notice it and the one right behind it next to us, I wondered about some stuff:

1) The people that buy these cars...did they used to be as enthusiastic slug bug-ers as my daughter, and that's why they bought one?

2) Once they do own one, when they notice a car with appropriately aged and informed children in another car in the next lane, do they chuckle to themselves, saying, "I bet those kids are just whaling on each other because of my car?" (hysterical, maniacal laughter by said owner) I know I would.

3) If the answer to either or both of the above questions is "no", then are these vehicle owners simply too old to appreciate the fun of being a slug bug-er? Or is it possible that these motorers' parents/siblings/friends/whatever NEVER educated them to the game? Are there people out there, from this country, who have never been exposed to this cultural phenomenon? Is it possible to get too old to enjoy a good game of slug bug?

I'm not sure I want to know the answers. For starters, the idea that our society has gotten so technologically adavanced that games like slug bug, zip, and license plate bingo have gone by the wayside is truly scary. No wonder there are so many kids being overmedicated, over scheduled, over stimulated, and under satisfied. Of course, those same children are the ones who grow up to be over achieving, type A personalities who only talk to their families and friends via Blackberry's and palm piloted 'quality time'. Also, I'm not sure I like the idea that people are allowing this cultural piece of history to die out from lack of exposure. What does that say about our priorities? Our parenting? MY parenting? Cripes, if there are worse parents out there than me...and I don't mean the ones that boil their kids because they wet the bed...then everyone should have to get issued a license to have sex.

As for me, I'm going to take advantage of teaching Cheeks to drive, giving Link (my middle son) driving practice, and begin allowing King Rat to drive places when we go as a family just so I can keep a better eye out for the little critters...the slug bugs, I mean.

Speaking of which...SLUG BUG YELLOW! NO RETURNS!