Birth Control

Okay, so I'm used to the idea now that Cheeks and Zombiedude are going to be parents. I'm still weighing whether or not to like it. Several people have asked me about the apparent lack of birth control in some form or another. I am 95 % certain that it was actually being used. I try not to be in the same room at such times, so there is some room for error on my part. I do know that Cheeks was using the Nuva Ring. Which obviously failed. Another obvious failure is telling them that no method is 100% effective except not having sex. Silly me. At any rate, since all this began (again) I did some research into birth control. Just out of curiosity. I mean, I haven't had to use birth control for that purpose since 1997. And, I simply cannot believe how many different kinds there are now! It used to be condoms and the Pill. Then diaphrams. Sponges. Assorted creams, foams, and gels. Then that Norplant thing. Which I tried. I gained a ton and got so sick, they took it out two months later. I don't trust diaphrams. They look more like a trampoline for sperm than anything else. I know it's supposed to be a barrier, but I get the idea it's more like running your kid ragged at an amusement park...you do it because it's fun, but you also hope that by the end, she's so tired that she falls asleep before you even get home. A diaphram seems to operate on the same principle in my opinion: a very small trampoline put in the way of the traveling spermies. Not only do you hope they get distracted enough by it that they never make it 'home', but you pray that if they do head in the right direction, they're so tired from the trampoline that they wear out before they get there. Sorry. I just doubt the entire objective. For starters, I've seen my ADD child after playing on our trampline. Guess what? He's far from tired when he's done! Same thing.

Then there's the female condom. I've only seen one once. People, these things come with an instruction book thicker than my stereo system had. They're also huge! And that little stick thing? Hmph. Plus, from the instructions, you need to be far more flexible than I've been since grade school to use one. I like the concept of them. I do. And one woman I know who has used them, says they're fairly comfortable and easy to use once you have practiced a couple times. I guess this is why I keep getting told not to judge things by how they look. I'm just glad I don't need them.

And the Pill? It certainly isn't the same as the ones my mother saw come into existence. Or the ones I used. Now there's like 100 different kinds? Whafuck? Ones that help with acne, ones that help with PMS. Wow. Ones you only have to take once a week or something. I tell ya, if I was still having those messy, once a month deals, I'd be all over some of these pills. Not only do they prevent pregnancy, but they have cool fringe benefits...such as no period for three months. Works for me.

And then there's this Nuva Ring. For anyone who hasn't seen one of these things, they look a lot like a larger version, slightly lumpy, of those jelly bracelets girls used to wear. They're clearish and look about as much like birth control as a cupcake. The icing on this cupcake? You have to store them in the fridge! Yes. They must be kept cold up to the point of insertion. Again, I don't need to use these things, but from what Cheeks and a few others have told me, that chill factor lasts about a half an hour. And is fairly unpleasant. Not excruciating, but still unpleasant. I believe them.

Oh, and IUD's. These have apparently been revamped and are less hazardous to your health than the ones around in the last few decades. I'm glad. Those old model IUD's were something beyond painful from the stories I've read, not to mention worthless. I just still have an issue with allowing a doctor to insert a metal object into my uterus. Besides, as high tech as we're getting in security measures, I'd be afraid of setting off metal detectors everywhere I went. I'm sure that doesn't happen, but the idea it could would bother me. Does bother me.

There are even a variety of natural birth controls out there. Aside from the rhythm method or keeping track of fertile times. It seems there is an entire market of herbal contraception. Of course, these are not evaluated or monitored by the FDA, but many of them boast a 100% effectiveness rating. Right. I'm all for herbal remedies and such. And I have no doubt that our forebears used plants in ways we would never dream of and to great effectiveness in many different things. I just worry that most of these herbal contraceptives are a bunch of dried grass with no value or worse, harmful side effects. When the FDA and drug companies and such perform studies and begin to turn to nature for remedies and give them the 'ok', then I'll worry less.

I don't know. There's no guarantees on any birth control, aside from abstinence, but there's so many rumors, myths, and utter crap out there I'm surprised the birth rate isn't higher than it is. I'm also very glad I don't need to worry about it any more. For starters, refrigerating my birth control and then putting it inside my body? No thanks. I'd rather take a pill.