Decisions, Decisions

In this life, there are always a number of decisions to make. Therefore, I took the time to think thins through and make several decisions all at once. I figure it might save me some time and energy. So, here are a few examples for ya.

1) I've decided to become the 1950's wife/mother figure everyone in my house seems to believe I should be anyway. In doing so, I have chosen to increase my stress level, lower my standards, and go against all my natural inclinations. I'm sure this news will make Wendy very happy, since she has a strong theory on this type of topic.

2) I have also decided to swear. Now, this does not seem like a monumental decision, but since I do have children, it must have impact. Yes, I have chosen to swear. I rather like cussing. Not because it's immoral, forbidden, or impolite, but because I enjoy it. If I'm going to do #1, I might as well be able to get some things for myself. Besides, there are many occasions where a simple slang term will not suffice, and only a swear word will express truly the emotion of the moment...and (thanks, George Carlin!) you can't fool me, shoot is just shit with two o's.

3) I've decided to not decorate my house any more than it already is. This does not include holidays, because those are exceptions to most of my rules. But, my house is entirely too cluttered as it is, and adding more stuff for me to wash, dust, or worry about getting broken is simply not worth the time or money. Besides...

4) I've decided to continue to be as lazy as I can whenever possible. I hate housekeeping. Some chores are worse than others. I think everyone has certain chores they hate. Grasshopper hates washing silverware. So do I. We both hate mating socks. I'd rather clean a toilet after two months of non-cleaning when the toilet has been used by only men who never flush than to do wash dishes or dust. Also, (thanks Roseanne!) when Hoover invents a rider, that's when my house will get vacuumed regularly. With this decision comes the need to create shortcuts and cheats in all housework or other chores. Such as hiding dirty dishes in the oven right before my mother or a neighbor stops in for a quick visit.

5) I've also decided to research earwigs. I know they are some sort of insect. I believe my house is infested with them. Since I'm not sure exactly what they look like, I need to find pictures. I also need to figure out how to get rid of the little suckers. I'm certain one stung or bit my ass two nights ago in my own bed. If not an earwig, some sort of long critter with many legs resembling a centipede (mini sized) and equipped with two pincers did it. Whatever it was, there are several of its relatives living in my home and I have decided they need to die or leave. I prefer die.

6) I've decided that in my next life, I want to be a cat. I can sleep 16 hours a day, wait for people to provide food and water for me, seek out attention when and only when I desire it, and I never have to clean my own bathroom. Not to mention, no one would blink an eye when I took a shit in public and dug in the dirt to cover it up. I'd be able to do good deeds for my people, such as hunting down rodentia in the home and bringing them little treats like birds or snakes to show my appreciation for all they do to take care of me. The ability to purr is an added bonus.

7) I've decided to give up on the idea of ever catching up on my blog. I fall behind and try to catch up and then life gets in the way every damn time and then I'm farther behind than before. Figures. So, instead of trying to catch up and posting stupid shit for days on end that was once funny or interesting or whatever, I'll just start fresh from this post on.

8) I've decided to start using old fashioned words. I like "spiffed" for "drunk", among other phrases and words that went out of style shortly after WWII.

9) I've decided to start hiding literary and movie references in all of my blog posts to see who, if anyone catches on to them. It was my pooka's suggestion, and I like it.