Return to the Rookery

I have realized that I have missed blogging. So, I'm back. (cue Jim Carrey from Liar Liar singing 'here she comes to wreck the day')

As the blog description states, I'm not for everyone. I'm opinionated. I tend to be crude, verbose, condescending, snarky, just plain bitchy, and to top it all off - I'm crazy. I had myself tested (saving my mother the trouble) and yes, I'm certifiable. BUT - I'm also creative, kind, funny, intelligent, and fluent in sarcasm, movie lines, and whale 😉

Today's installment: my transgender adult child. That's a mouthful, isn't it? Brief background: I have 3 children. I thought I'd had 2 sons and a daughter. Seems I was mistaken. I have 1 son and 2 daughters. And if you don't like that statement, you can fuck off. Just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong. Because this is my child, even though she's an adult now. She tells me she's a girl; she's a girl. I love my children, not the packages they come in. If you're one of those parents who denied, will deny, refuse to accept, whatever, I will NEVER understand you and will never quite believe that you meet the qualifications to be a human being.

Does this mean the whole concept isn't difficult for me? Not for one second is this easy. I didn't see it coming. Nope. Didn't have a clue. And don't think that hasn't messed with me, because it has. Equal parts guilt trip and shock. And people think being a parent is boring. Sure. In what universe?

It's not easy for me. I support my daughter in this journey. And I worry. Not about me. I'm fine. I worry about the rest of the world. Unfortunately, even in this day and age, those in the LGBTQ community are targets of discrimination and even violence. So I worry. I'm prepared to fight with her and for her, just like any of my other kids, but that doesn't stop the worry.

I also wonder about her childhood. What did I miss? How? Was I not paying attention? And then the guilt starts. Motherhood can be one HUGE guilt trip anyway, and then add this to the mix. Whew. Then I wonder some more. Am I supposed to ignore all the memories of when she was 'he' and all the fun, cute, and often disgusting things that happened? I don't want to. I don't want to lose that or feel like I have to mourn that. So I choose not to. This is still my child, dammit. Her package doesn't change how long I was in labor, or the awful all damned day sickness I had for 7 months of pregnancy, or how handsome 'he' was in his little tuxedo when both my 'sons' walked me down the aisle for my second wedding. I cherish those memories and refuse to lose them just because I've gained a daughter. So, how does that work, some may ask? This is how I plan to treat it: if a 'remember when?'  moment comes up, I'll just contribute to the memory like I would otherwise. If needed, I'll preface conversations with something like - "Back when you were acting like a boy...". Because, from my understanding, that's what it was - an act, a sham, a flimflam born of necessity. One I inadvertently participated in and encouraged. (Pack your bags, another guilt trip looming.) I can't change the past. For the sake of my daughter, I frequently wish I could. For all my children, actually, but that's beside the point and a different entry/entries. I can't go back, but I can do my best with a future I hope goes smoothly.

And let me tell you, this journey of hers brings up all kinds of weird issues. Yes, the guilt and such, but also excitement and awe. And the just plain bizarre. That part could be me, I guess. I'm not sure. As an example, she picked her own name. This bothers me. She picked a lovely name. Well, her first name anyway. Seems the middle name is undecided aside from the one I gave at birth which is a male name. Am I mad? No. I'm not mad. I was hoping she'd let me pick her middle name. I made a couple suggestions, but no decisions yet. And yeah, I'm sitting here typing this going, why won't she just let me name her? I did fine the first time around. And yes, I'm smiling and being semi-sarcastic. I'm being funny, but I admit there's a small part of me that feels like a new mom again. I've got this new daughter and she's already an adult. Which means I don't get to name her, damn it. Maybe I am mad? No. I'm not. Maybe a little. Mad at her? Not on your life! Mad at myself for not seeing what I feel like I should have seen or heard or something. (See? There's that guilt trip I told you to pack for.) I guess it's like being handed a second chance at something, but it's really pretty much too late. All I can do is move on, be supportive as possible, and try not to let me beat myself up (one of my many talents).

I live in awe of my kids every day. These people started out as tiny aliens in my belly. With a lot of help and even more luck, they're all grown adults. I am blessed to have watched them all grow and change into who they are today. Their whole lives have been epic journeys and I've been along to see it. Now I get to see these newest changes. I am truly blessed. Crazy, but blessed. How in the hell did I get so lucky to have held those little hands and watch them grow big and see these people turn into the loving, brave, brilliant, bewildering, and awesome beings that they are? I am one lucky woman.

And for anyone reading this who has family who walked away or turned away or otherwise rejected you for being LGBTQ? It's their fucking loss. You're utterly brilliant, gorgeous, and fan-damn-tastic. Don't give up. It gets better. It's worth it. Be you. You are the cat's meow.

For anyone reading this who now hates me? Good. If you hate me, you'll never stop thinking about me or my words. They'll eat at you. And maybe, just maybe, eventually you'll stop to think and take the time to educate yourself. Or not. You may stay the same. I hope not. For your sake. I think it must get terribly lonely and boring when you're so close minded.

A Few Bad Apples?

     Okay, I wasn't going to say anything, but I simply cannot contain myself. Though I've had cause on more than one occasion to question my sanity, I am currently wondering if there is more reason now to doubt it: either I'm not paranoid enough or I'm walking around in a state of denial so huge, therapy likely won't help. Or that is what many of the pro-gun activists would like me to believe.
     The activists love to point to the venerable document known as the Constitution of the United States and spout off about the right to bear arms, self-defense, and the responsibility to overthrow tyrants. What their real message is: you should be scared. In fact, you should be so frightened of the outside world and that it might enter your private world, arming yourself to the teeth is the only viable, sane solution.
      Then, horrific tragedies occur. Most recently, the shooting at Sandy Hooks Elementary in Connecticut  But this list is longer than that, of course. And the gun-control activists start in with their agenda and their real message is: you should be scared. In fact, you should be so frightened of the outside world and that it might enter your private world, that only a world without any weapons is the answer.
     The pro-gun activists then retaliate with "guns don't kill people, people kill people." True. Except for very rare accidents where a gun with no one around it has exploded and harmed someone close enough to the blast, guns do not walk or run around harming folks. People holding guns are people who kill people. But not all of them. I have held guns on several occasions and never shot anyone - not on purpose or by accident. Never even killed an animal that I'm aware of.
     These same pro-gun activists then point out the people who commit these crimes and cause these terrible events are mentally ill, unstable, and not the average responsible citizen. And, again they are correct. They are correct in pointing to a system which fails these people on multiple levels. Lack of health care coverage, ease of access to services, people who may have been able to help but were unable to for a variety of reasons...the list could go on. And what their real message here is: don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole barrel.
     I would agree with the sentiment except these are often the same people who bitched about Obamacare and Planned Parenthood and entitlement of any sort. And they point out, "Well, I know someone who gets such and such benefit and shouldn't because they then do this or this or this" or "I've seen people with an EBT card (Food Stamps) with cigarettes or a beer or a cell phone so they shouldn't get EBT". And they point out all the 'bad apples' and say we should become stricter or do away with social service programs altogether.
     I've got news for them all: you can't have it both ways. Either these 'bad apples' ruin everything for everyone or you discount all the 'bad apples' entirely. The argument is a double-edged sword; it cuts both ways or you turn it into a dull blade indeed.
    In a perfect world, tragedies like Columbine, Sandy Hooks Elementary, Virginia Tech, and all the others would never happen. Nor would such horrific crimes such as the knife wielding tragedy in China. In the perfect world, no one would steal, rob, rape, or murder. People with mental health issues would receive the appropriate services and treatment. The treatments would work perfectly. There would be no social stigma attached to mental illness, so no one would feel ashamed to reach out for help. There would be no limits to what services are provided to who or requirements for some sort of legal paper trail in order to get needed services in a timely manner. In such a utopia, everyone would feel safe everywhere they went and there would be no need for weapons of any sort, except for hunting.
     Such a world does not exist. Maybe in the future. I can only hold out hope. In the meantime, I'm sick of the fear mongering from all sides. We're inundated with it from our government, which uses fear to get us to give up many of our personal rights. We're force fed fear from the extremists, who want everyone to live their way and their way alone and want us to see everything through a veil of fear, ignorance, and hatred. We're simply buried in messages from all corners telling us to be afraid of something and everything.
     I'm not trying to lessen the tragedies, any of them, in any way. However, I cannot sit here and agree that arming teachers is a viable solution or that increasing armed citizens is a reasonable measure. There are far too many guns available to the law-abiding as well as to the criminals. There are only 2 solutions I can see: ensure that every gun owner is responsible and stable through yearly examinations, with spot checks, to ensure not only responsible gun ownership but mental health stability as well OR ban them all, except for those who really need them, such as law enforcement and military. For those who only own guns for hunting, then they get special permits and safety guidelines as well as limits on the number and types of guns they can own. Other countries have done this and their crime rates dropped and incidences such as Sandy Hook haven't happened since. Our country is way behind the rest of the world in so many ways...and we're paying the price in blood.

My suggestions for fixing the problems of our country:

Disclaimer: Some people may find these suggestions offensive. Suck it up. It’s my opinion, not yours. Mere suggestions is all they are. Also, I apologize for any repetition of suggestions I may have posted already.

1.      Have registered voters vote once per month on every proposed federal, state, and local law. This accomplishes several things: prevents corporate lobbyists from ‘buying’ officials to pass or fail a law; makes our country truly a government “of, for, & by” the people. All we really would need our representatives for is to propose and write the laws. It will also be a HUGE wake up call to the citizenry of these fine states of America because it will put much of the responsibility back on our shoulders, where it belongs. As voters, we will be forced to become well versed in reading, critical thinking, source evaluation, and in our civic duties and all that those entail including our responsibilities as well as our freedoms.

2.      If #1 is put into place, then pay these representatives a fair wage with the same health care benefits the rest of the nation gets, with a reasonable retirement package. None of this “for life” crap. When a minimum wage worker who has worked their entire lives at a fast food chain gets these kinds of retirement packages, then our elected officials can have it. Make them save, struggle, invest (gain or loss) like the rest of us.

3.      If any elected official is arrested and convicted or pleads guilty or no contest to any charge other than a misdemeanor, fire their asses. This is what usually happens to regular civilian workers. Why should elected officials be any different? If one (or more) is fired, then whoever was ‘runner up’ is given the opportunity to assume the office. If that person cannot or will not for whatever reason, then allow one week (7 days) for another candidate to announce his/her willingness (this is an absolute deadline) and hold a vote at the next regular voting time (see #1), unless the termination occurs within 14 days of the regular voting time in which case the election would be held at the next month’s regular voting time.

4.      Legalize drugs. Yes. I am NOT condoning the use or distribution. However, legalizing drugs would solve several problems: prostitution, some domestic assaults, and if they were legalized and monitored like many OTC and Rx meds, alcohol, & tobacco there would be more control over it. Also, tax the hell out of all of them! We do it for tobacco, alcohol, vehicles, any number of things. The taxes collected go to fund things such as education, low-income housing & assistance programs, mental health programs, and yes, even drug rehabilitiation. If states (and many do) can offer free nicotine patches, lozenges, and/or Chantix to people who want to quit smoking and have it actually help, then they can do something similar with drugs and drug rehabilitation.

5.      For that matter, legalize prostitution. Mandate monthly or weekly health checks. Make prostitutes carry current licenses and identification of said health checks. If it’s a legal occupation, then they can and should have to pay taxes from their wages.

6.      Prisoners on death row: once all of the appeals have run out, provide them with an option to do good for others and volunteer to participate in medical/drug research for cures, treatments, and such for diseases like cancer, diabetes, heart disease…the list is endless. This is a choice for them, not a demand. And they only get one chance to sign up. If they say no the first time, no taking it back at the last minute. They can even be reimbursed similar to “normal” citizens…only whatever they would have been compensated goes to crime victims organizations and funds. Or, better yet, it gets divided up between things like that and law enforcement agencies, which are always overworked, underpaid, and certainly underappreciated.

7.      Make executions live, pay-per-view events. No, I’m not kidding. If death row inmates choose not to participate in medical research, then the victim’s family (families) should be able to authorize the televising of the convicted’s execution. Again, these funds could be divided between the victim(s) families, crime victims funds/organizations, and law enforcement of whatever state is holding the execution. People would pay to see this. I’m not necessarily saying I would or would not, but I know people would love to watch. Why? Well, for the same reason shows like Jerry Springer’s old talk show lasted so long…we love the morbid, sick, and twisted. If the media is going to play on our thirst for long-distance dirty laundry (i.e.- the Simpson trial & others), then maybe it’s time to make it count. Obviously, just knowing execution is a real possibility in some states isn’t the deterrent it was meant to be. Why? Again, it’s one of those psychological long distance things – ‘it’ll never happen to me, even though I know it happens’. Just like ‘oh, the neighbor down the street is so good with kids and does so much for the community, I can’t believe he/she molested a (my) child!’

8.      No one graduates any kind of high school (public or private) without having passed with at least a 90% overall grade ‘real living’ course. This course will include all of the following: creating a budget; learning how to balance checkbooks/debit accounts; how to create a savings account and maintain it; basic investment knowledge; learning about credit cards (the good, the bad, and the ugly); how to create a weekly/monthly menu and shop for it; how to maintain important vital records at home or other areas; how to schedule appointments of all kinds and maintain a working calendar; how to do dishes by hand as well as a dishwasher; how to sort, wash, dry (both machine and line-dry), and fold all forms of laundry; how to sew a button, mend a hem, and repair small tears or snags; how to cook several basic meals (pre-packaged and from scratch) – including boiling eggs, using both charcoal and gas grills, and baking items such as cakes; basic first aid (washing, antiseptic sprays/ointments, bandaging) and what constitutes a real emergency and what may not; job search preparation including resume writing, interviewing techniques, employment contract reading & comprehension, and how to search for jobs in the many areas now available; civic duties such as how to register to vote, how to find and follow proper channels for various complaint procedures; how to read a lease for an apartment, home, automobile; and finally Netiquette a.k.a how to properly respond to emails, the difference between personal, informal, and formal communications, internet safety for themselves and family members. Why do I say this? Because too many families, schools, and the general public are allowing these things to slide. We expect parents to do it. Parents, for many reasons, may not be doing it. We also just seem to expect kids to pick it up through observation, osmosis, or some such. It simply doesn’t work the way it’s been being done lately. These are basic living skills and too many students entering college today honestly have no idea how to clean the toilet, much less make and maintain a household budget for themselves (or their families once they start one of their own).

9.      Drop the life terms for Supreme Court Justices. Make them elected officials as well. This goes back to several of the above suggestions, but if they were elected officials, it would waste less Congressional hours in hearings for approval, cost less money across the board, and make it easier to remove the ones I will refer to as ‘pot stirrers’ who, once they got on the bench, only want to disagree with as much as they can and try to stir up as much drama, crap, and general fuckery as possible.

10.  My final suggestion: make all elected offices for the same length of time. No more of this two years for this position, four years for that one, one year for yet another one. All of the elections for office take place on the same day, either every two or every four years. I suggest four years. If that seems like it’s too much to vote on in one sitting for your federal, state, and local government officials then make it a two day event, but keep it with the regular voting time (see #1).

Fatties Have Feelings Too

     I'm sick and tired of all this crap about obesity. Yeah, I'm fat. But I'm the only one who can do anything about it. I don't blame fast food restaurants, my mother, or anything/anyone else. What I am tired of is all these stupid, false weight loss ads all over the place offering the quick and easy fix: lose the weight without changing anything. Right. If that worked, I'd be a size 10 without taking any stupid, possibly dangerous pills, drinks, bars, or injections.
    Another thing I'm sick of is hearing all these idiots saying things like "just quit eating". No. I like food. I enjoy eating. Eating is awesome. The same fools will also often say things like "monitor your carbs/calories/proteins/whatever". That's fine up to a point. However, your body operates on carbs, sugars, proteins, etc. We need to re-learn the definition of "moderation", as in "all things in moderation". One candy bar a week or even a day is not likely to kill me or even add an ounce to my frame. The problem lies in having 3 or 4 each day and not doing anything to burn them off.
   What I'm truly tired of are all the hurtful comments that get bandied about. Sometimes unintentionally by family and friends as well as strangers. Whenever one of my thinner friends makes a comment about not wanting to gain weight, having gained weight, or wanting to lose weight - I just cringe inside, even if I don't do it visibly. Why would you say something like that to an overweight person?
   Here's some insights for everyone:
1. Those of us who have spent 90% or more of our lives struggling with being overweight do not care if you need to lose 10 pounds, just gained 10 pounds, or are hoping to not gain two pounds from vacation/holiday food. Chances are, we've been trying to get rid of far more than 10 pounds for the majority of our lives. We are more than adequately aware that we are the people you fear becoming. How do you think you would feel spending most of your life with that awareness? That the image you see in the mirror is the image people have in mind when they say they don't want to get fat? It isn't pleasant, let me tell you, and the asinine comments made by you 'normies' do nothing to help us feel any better about ourselves or about even considering making a change for the better.
2. If you know someone who is even thinking about making a change in their weight, please wait for them to ask you for assistance before having verbal diarrhea all over us with all of your suggestions, pointers, tips, and directions for how to do it. For all you know, we may have consulted with a personal trainer, a registered dietitian, a gym, our doctor, and Billy Banks as well as the entire staff of "The Biggest Loser" before saying a word to you. If we want your help, we'll ask for it. Until then, try to say something really meaningful to us, such as "That's great! I know you're going to do your best and get through this!" Even offer of help is fine, so long as you're prepared when we decline.
3. If someone you know is making a change like this, make sure their sense of humor about the situation is fitting with yours. While I admit that watching myself try to do Dance Dance Revolution, aerobics, ride a bike, or any other form of exercise can be funny; I may not be ready for you to be laughing at me yet. There are going to be days when my ability to laugh at myself is going to be nonexistent. On those days, the last thing I need is to have you laughing at me. And don't say you're laughing with me, because if you're the only one laughing there's no "with" involved - you can't laugh with someone who isn't laughing. More to the point, that laughter hurts. It isn't easy to work up the nerve to workout (at anything) in front of someone else when you've struggled with a weight problem. Especially when, rightly or wrongly, we have been perceiving judgements from all the 'normies' around us for our entire lives. Your comments and laughter, even from friends/family, are why so many of us fail at our efforts as well as prevent us from going to a gym in a public place. If we're going to get that reaction from the people who should be the most supportive of us, how can we trust strangers to not judge us or laugh at us? We're likely embarrassed enough and disgusted enough with ourselves, I promise. We don't need your intentional or unintentional comments to add to the matter.
4. Think back, now, to your childhood if you're an adult. Have you always been a "normie"? Ok, then think about your comments to or about the kids that weren't. Can you even remember? Maybe not. But I bet those who were those kids can. The old saying "sticks & stones" should go like "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words hurt worse than anything". Because, I can tell you from personal experience, a bruise goes away in a week or so. The names a fat kid gets called on the playground in fourth grade? Those hang around for a really, really long time. And when they come from an adult who should know better? They really stick then.

We fatties have feelings too. Why would it be okay to treat us badly simply because of our weight? Is it okay to treat you badly simply because you don't know any better or because you have a fault, disability, or problem? I didn't think so.

Thoughts about New Year's Eve

     Shortly before the year 2011 began, I turned 40. I say this simply because that may be affecting my reflections on New Year's Eve. I'm actually kind of mad about it. Not the holiday itself. Frankly, it's just a day on the calendar any more and a reminder of the fleeting passage of time. But I digress. What I'm mad about is that New York seems to have somehow managed to corner the market on it here in America. Times Square, the ball drop, Dick Clark, the whole nine yards. And it's not right. This party gets televised via NBC & all its affliate stations throughout the nation. Which would be fine except only a small portion of the country is ringing in the New Year at EDT/EST (whichever it is). 3/4 of the country still has an hour, two hours, or three hours yet to go before the new year starts. Yet, we're force-fed this program like New York City and the east coast own the holiday celebration rights.
     There are major cities in the other 3 time zones, as big as NYC or very close to it. There are also other television networks that even people without cable can access (so no relying on CNN or other cable channel) that could take on the challenge of televising a celebration in these 3 zones. Hollywood celebrities, bands, stars and starlets, etc etc could all join in the ones that they wanted to (or paid them most, whichever) and those of us in the  remaining portion of the country not located in Eastern time zone could ring in the new year, watch a ball drop if that's what was decided (more in a bit on that), and do it all at the time that's accurate for us.
     Don't get me wrong. I grew up watching the Times Square ball drop with Dick Clark. I always looked forward to it. It was wonderful. But it was always an hour early for me. Still is. But as I've gotten older, the ball drop has lost some of its luster. Some of it comes from just being older. But I think the majority of my apathy towards it stems from what I've already said: NYC and the rest of the country act like it's the only place to celebrate, like they've somehow come to OWN the holiday. That, and like most of the other holidays, it's become a major marketing campaign.
     Why don't any of the other TV stations and cities rally together and help take back New Year's Eve in the other time zones? For Central time, get Chicago or the Twin Cities to set something up. For Mountain time, Phoenix AZ would work, and it might be fun to see a party in a 'desert' locale for New Year's. For Pacific: there's many choices. Pick one. Then, decide which station besides NBC or CNN is going to televise the festivities. Sign up celebrities, bands, etc. Maybe a parade. As for the countdown, does it have to be a ball drop? How about a mass balloon release, with single balloons being released during the countdown until the mass one at midnight? Messages could even be attached to the balloons. Make it a school project for the state or something. Or, if balloons won't do, instead of a big, lit up ball dropping down the side of a building, how about a hologram or something similar of Father Time? He could be an old man at the top who slowly gets younger as he lowers to the ground until he becomes the baby New Year? With all the CGI stuff available today, that shouldn't be too hard to get on some sort of long screen on the side of a building somewhere. ABC, CBS, and PTV (Public Television) or some other station could divvy up the other 3 time zones. The commercial aspects of it could be phenomenal money makers for the stations. Tourism to the host cities would increase, if only temporarily. And it would destroy the monopoly NBC and NYC seem to have managed to create on the whole celebration.
     Why should the majority of the country be subject to Eastern time for a televised broadcast of New Year's celebration and countdown? If it's because the capitol of our country happens to be there, that's no excuse. Big deal. It's just plain dumb luck that our country is large enough to have 4 time zones and our capitol is located where it is. It could just as easily have ended up in Mississippi, Idaho, or Oregon. Pure chance. So again I ask why? Tradition? Again, big deal. It'd still be televised for those who really wanted to stick to the tradition of watching the NYC thing. If it changed though, at least we'd have a choice and we wouldn't be stuck with a New Year's Eve party that starts the new year off for us long before it's actually the new year for us. Just sayin'.

RIP My Friend

I will miss you my friend.

For your faith: Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women,and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. For mine: I will remember you at Samhain & bless you then. I hope to see you in the Summerlands, my friend. Blessed Be.

One by One the Penguins Steal My Sanity: I Will Remember You

One by One the Penguins Steal My Sanity: I Will Remember You

I Will Remember You

For My Dear Friend:
     I want to say that I know how lucky and blessed I was to have had you in my life. Even for just a couple years, though I think it was far too short. I learned so much from you, my friend. I learned more about patience. For, as those of us who knew you well are aware, you could be the most obstinate man around when you wanted to be. A lesson I learned very early on in our relationship, when I feared we would never get along. I’m so glad that changed, or I would have missed out on so much.

I learned more about laughter and the power of being happy. It was a rare occasion that you couldn't make me laugh. I loved spending time with you; you were always so happy to see me for the shortest times and for the simplest things. From this I learned that it really is the simple things in life that matter and a smile really can make someone's day. I hope I did the same for you.

I think the most important thing I learned from you is that the love of friendship knows no age limits, notices no differences in abilities, and finds you in the places you might least expect it. I will never be able to hear polka music without thinking of you. I've never met anyone with such a passion and knowledge for something in my life.

 I will miss you trying to convince me that you're the boss or the president of the whole US of A because your computer told you so or that Lawrence Welk had told you so. Or that any favor, no matter how small, would cost me a million dollars. I'll miss hearing: "that's it...you're fired" even though I didn't work there anymore; "oh, write her a ticket...Wendy's a squirt"; or "call the Marshal...911, US Marshals...Wendy's picking on Emil". I will miss your laughter. I will miss our coffee and lunch dates. Our talks about Czech Days, old television shows, movies, your love of running when you were a boy. We talked about everything. Sometimes about nothing. But being together: on the bus, walking downtown, or just sitting around the house, was always the best part.

Earlier I said you could be obstinate. This is true. But you were also smart, funny, and sensitive. I've never seen someone so happy to be singing along to a song as you when you listened to your polka music. When you laughed, it encompassed your whole being, as laughter should. Your friendship was one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. I love you, my friend, and though I will miss you dearly, I will remember you with more fondness than tears. I think you would have wanted it that way, and after all, you’re the boss.

Tis the Season...for Changes

So one of my best friends is graduating from our college program in just a few days and moving back home to Iowa. I know I'm going to miss her dearly. And I got to thinking after our coffee, snack, salad time tonight about exactly how much. See, we've only known each other a couple years. And it's not like we do a lot of stuff together on a regular basis. But, we've shared some really strange classes, bolstered each other up, and learned to laugh with each other. She's one of the very few people I've met here in SD that I've truly connected with and made friends with. I don't really fit in with most of the other grad students for some reason. Maybe it's my personality or insanity. Maybe I'm arrogant because I did my undergrad at UI. I really don't know. Or maybe the other students are just so much younger than me that they don't really know how to adjust to me or approach me. My friend on the other hand, just takes me as I am. Plus, she's funny, talented, and totally random. All qualities I really appreciate in my friends. We recently started including another girl in our little group and I'm looking forward to getting to know her better, but it won't really be the same. Then, thinking about my friend leaving, I got to thinking about my other friends I've left behind. And the guilt set in. I don't talk to them as much as I'd like to. When I do, it seems like all I do is bitch and whine. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. And I worry that my friend who's moving will end up like my other friends: we'll stay in touch via Facebook, email, and such but not really stay in touch. And I'm not sure I like that idea. Oh, it's okay for the in-betweens. The time in between when we can chat on the phone or get together, but not what I want any of my friendships to rely on. So, now I'm working on trying to figure out how to change that. Not even Christmas yet, and I'm working on New Year's Resolutions already. Tis the season...for changes.